I’ve always been nothing.
Have always been a piece of shit.
I’ve always been disposable.
Nothing,nothing,nothing.
I hate the fact that he thinks that I can move on so easily.
As if every word I said was false.
As if every caress,kiss,touch was all pretend.

I’ve opened myself for the first time and it bites me back in the ass.

Then again everything that comes from me is shit.
I’ve never been good at anything and I was always “second” best.
I’ve loved…
And I still do,but that could never matter to him.
My words would never matter to him.

This is the one time I despise being a dreamer.
Where has that got me?
Where has being the optimistic person got me?
I help people,but I can’t be helped.
I’m a waste to the world.
What’s my use anymore?

I’ve thrown up six times,two panic attacks and asthma attacks.
I’ve pinched my self hard to the point of bleeding just so I can feel something.
I’m a weak person that can’t even take care of herself.
Why would I even want to live a “life” in this repulsive body?!
Alcohol doesn’t help you forget.
If anything it makes every moment more vivid.every FUCKING moment!!!
I have the money to leave the country,but what would that do?
All my problems and feelings would still be intact.
I will always love him.
And even thinking of “trying” to be with another sickens me and will never happen.
I will eventually be forgotten.

My family would be better off without me.
My mates wouldn’t notice.
The pets would do good without.
My job wouldn’t even notice cos I could easily be replaced like usual.
The world…
Well,the world wouldn’t even mind cos I never really brought something to this world.

I’m tired of crying and feeling like nothing.
I’ve taken half the bottle of my meds.
If I wake I wake.
But I’m just better off dead.

I can’t breathe and I’d rather be dead…

These past couple of days have been really stressful,frustrating,and “lonesome”
Mostly due to having two major asthma attacks.
And one big allergy attack that was bad to the point where I couldn’t breathe and lost my sight for about 10 minutes.my parents had no clue of what to do and the only one that really took “care” of me was my only brother.
I hate having attacks in front of people cos I feel useless and vulnerable to them.
During my asthma attacks that came during the night I used my inhaler,which did no use.If anything my body started shaking and I started feeling pain close to my ribs.The only thing that I kept repeating to my sister was “I can’t breathe” and she never responded back.

I feel like no one in this family really knows what to do if I ever collapse on the floor again from an asthma attack;besides my eldest sister,and it somewhat makes me feel sad and “lonely”.
Now it turns out that my inhaler is expired (months already) and I won’t be able to get refills til my next-next appointment,which will most likely be in June.

I really just fucking hate everything right now.

And I’m expected to be happy tonight since I’m seeing Marina,but all I want to do is sleep locked in my room like I have the past days.